Statistics reveal that approximately one third of African American children are raised in a two parent household which often contributes to the decline of the family. Many share the view that professional black males are non-existent which ultimately leads to identity issues among our children. Women are seeking ways to ease the burden in dating while men are challenged to break the cycle of being “players” and assume responsibility for their children. Additionally, there is an urgent need to discuss not only the fact there is a difference between sex and intimacy, but also the misconceptions and varying opinions that the genders have regarding the two.
In an effort to get an understanding of the ever decreasing rate of successful unions between black men and women, Hill Harper, author of “The Conversation,” talked with friends and strangers-married, single and divorced, to discover how black men and women can build loving, trusting relationships. While on his journey, Hill also recognized his own struggles with the stories shared by others. “The Conversation” aims to open up the lines of communication and highlight the confusion, disappointments, and selfishness expressed by those who participated.
Mr. Harper can be commended for his brave gesture to explore the “black” communication breakdown. However, I found “The Conversation” to be filled with secular prescriptions for a spiritual diagnosis. Although there were quotes from prominent couples who are in long term marriages, Harper, unfortunately, chose not to delve into their lives. Instead, he spent a lot of time listening to the experiences of his counterparts who are still trying to figure out their repeated mistakes.
In order to learn how to build loving, trusting relationships, we must be proactive and take responsibility for our actions. In addition, we must be deliberate in seeking the answers from those who are in sustaining, strong committed marriages that are based on a spiritual foundation. With this, when put into practice, I believe we will cease wondering why history continues to repeat itself.
I invited Dr. Lisa Jarvis-Durham, an Education Coordinator at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Department of Psychiatry and Minister Wyone Bell, a Paraprofessional at Donaldsonville High School to share their views on “The Conversation.” Both perspectives are interesting yet unique. I hope their views will enlighten and challenge you to self reflect and discover the liberty of having an open, honest dialogue in your relationships. ե
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Jarvis-Durham
Industrial/Organizational Psychologist & Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist
After chatting with Dr. Jarvis-Durham about “The Conversation,” I must admit she expressed deep insight about this popular book. According to Dr. Jarvis-Durham, Mr. Harper did a good job of “painting the picture from the moment in his car when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, recounting his feelings and thoughts at that time, then beginning his quest to gather feedback from others, and later making the “Big Decision” to put himself out there and experience love at a deeper level.” Here is what else Dr. Jarvis-Durham had to say . . .
Sharla: As a Dr. of Psychology did the author address this subject objectively? If so, how?
Dr. Jarvis-Durham: Objectively in the sense that he sought feedback from others and presented that information in the book. However all the feedback was subjective in that everyone was merely giving their opinions. My thoughts were “Why don’t black men and women move beyond all the blaming games?” There is way too much emphasis on the past. Black men and women need to take some time to self-develop themselves personally; having individual personal positive growth before they continue the vicious cycle of one relationship after another.
Hill took into account the feedback from others and in addition, acknowledged some truths/facts and decided he would move forward. Great for him. Very noble.
Sharla: What life lesson can be learned from this book?
Dr. Jarvis-Durham: Overall if there is a lesson to be learned, I believe it is that a relationship without God in the midst is bound for failure. Some might argue, if that is the case, why couples in the church are divorcing at alarming rates. My answer to that is that they might be in the church, but God may not necessarily be in the midst of that marriage.
Speaking from a personal point, my husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have known each other for 20 years. I can assure you that this marriage has and continues to take a great deal of work and effort. We would not be together to this day if GOD was not in the midst of this marriage. We both came into this marriage with excessive baggage from the way we were raised, the world’s expectations of marriage, and issues from past relationships.
In the process of understanding God’s plan for marriage, we were presented with two concepts that we have continued to practice; One is called “Naked and Unashamed.” We opened ourselves up to being vulnerable and did not fear what the other might think and at the same time we dually noted that if we were going to venture down this road of truth, no judgment was to follow. Another was the concept “Love and Blessings.” Here rather than argue and hurl insults and/or hold back out of anger and resentment, we focused on considering the others feelings and the return of love and blessings. I cannot describe what practicing these concepts have done except to say that it is phenomenal. Our marriage is not “Peaches and Cream” all the time. However, we have learned to combat the enemy’s attack on our marriage. I could actually write pages and pages of testimony on this but will end with this: I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see. I gave up me (selfishness) and considered someone other than me. Imagine if you will, that everyone gave up themselves and considered the other person, would we really have any issues in our relationships.
Sharla: Would you recommend this book? If so, to whom?
Dr. Jarvis-Durham: I would not recommend the book. I can’t say that I am the “expert” on everything. I can say that much of what is lacking is so many people’s unwillingness for truth and a willingness to be selfish. An individual taking that journey of self discovery to better themselves is too great an effort and very uncomfortable. On a spiritual note, people in general fail to accept the responsibilities God has set. They lack connection and personal growth through him. When it comes to recommending books my preference is a book that will lead someone on a spiritual journey (a Christian one at that). ե
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Minister Wyone Bell
Prison and Nursing Home Ministry
In conversing with Minister Wyone Bell, we shared opinions about how men would view this book. He communicated that most men don’t take an interest in reading books the way women do. As a minister, he found himself praying constantly while reading “The Conversation,” as the book is filled with secular experiences and innuendos. Nevertheless, he finished reading the book and was pretty dismayed that we, as black people, are still making the same mistakes but expecting a different outcome. Minister Bell quoted the words of Dr. Myles Monroe when he said, “we want godly results without using God’s recipe for sustaining successful relationships.” Here is what else Minister Bell had to say . . .
Sharla: What new fact did you learn from reading this book?
Minister Bell: The term emotionally unavailable-emotionally more distant, more removed from a woman you’re romantically involved with. I would say dating, having a relationship or sex with no purpose other than motion. The result is a man/woman destined to continue the past cycle of failure handed to another generation. As a Christian man I was stunned to read the pages of this book. I couldn’t help but notice the pattern of thinking remains the same, if not worse than when I was apart of the secular world. We talk and hear so much about the moral decay of society but as Isaiah said “We have all as sheep gone astray.”
Sisters, Eve was presented to Adam by God, she was a part of him. Why? Because God does nothing with out forethought, that’s called purpose. I thank my heavenly Father to know I was never purposed to be with every woman. So my wife, when I find her as stated in the Bible, won’t be because of me but because of purpose. I will be emotionally available to her because she is a part of me. She will be given by my Father to help prefect the flaws and complement the attributes in my life as purposed by God. Like the sun behind the clouds, you cannot see it but you know its there . . .
Sharla: As a minister who interacts with men on a one-on-one basis, did you hear their struggles or challenges repeated in this book? If so, what were they?
Minister Bell: This book highlights many of the struggles that men in general face. Communication, Trust, Generational, Financial, Sexual it covers a great many issues. It was just a continual conversation. The solutions in my opinion were secular based. One of the major issues I have noticed in interacting with men is: the hate of being criticized for the decisions that are made. I notice that with President Obama no matter what decision he makes it will be criticized. But Michelle is such a powerful woman because she is seen as a builder of her husband. There is a lot of pressure on black men in general but extra damaging is to hear sisters be our worst critic. Don’t get me wrong other races are critical as well but sisters can do serious damage.
Most men I have interacted with in prison either one-on-one or in a group setting basically say the same thing. They love their mother! Why? Because she was a critic but one of their biggest fans. If we were pushed in the mud she wouldn’t throw the garbage on us too! Jesus was on the cross and was criticized in ways we may never be but his mother was right there ready to clean him up. Sisters we do a lot of things wrong but if it’s your man don’t pile on, clean up!
Sharla: How did the different viewpoints enhance your journey as a single man?
Minister Bell: The viewpoints of this book reminds me of Mr. Harper as he looked in his own mirror. We all have that mirror to look in. As I look in mine everyday I am so grateful of my God given purpose. It’s his purpose that keeps me alive. I will continue to do my part to become a single again. It will be because of my singleness that I will have room for my wife he purposed for me. Brothers we have to become single again because as Mr. Harper proclaims, “his many marriages by having sex unmarried,” we have cut too many covenants and not broken any of them. Therefore the room our wife needs is not there. Only God can heal a broken heart, only God can make us single again. Then he will present our bride to us. How will you know it’s her? You will feel that she is a PART of you not APART from you. ե
______________________________________________________________________________________________
About the Author
“Hill Harper is the author of the bestseller Letters to a Young Brother which won two NAACP awards and was named a Best Book for young adults by American Library Association in 2007 and New York Times bestseller Letters to a Young Sister. Hill was named Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series in 2008 and 2009 by the NAACP Image Awards for this role on CSI:NY. His numerous other credits include The Skulls, He Got Game, Lackawanna Blues and The Sopranos. He graduated magna cum laude with a B.A. from Brown University and cum laude with a J.D. from Harvard Law School. He also holds a master’s degree from Kennedy School of Government. Named one of People Magazine’s sexiest man alive, he lives in Los Angeles.”
Recently I was asked by a new business professional who should pay for the meal at a business lunch? For a moment there I had to think about my response but then common sense kicked in. My reply was “the person who sets up the meeting.” Have you ever wondered about this same question?
